Topic: Self
So, I'm doing research, talking to people, gathering information about how people get along and communicate and interact and... flirt...
And one young man said that he doesn't think that there is anything wrong with flirting, but that he "knows how to behave" and "would not act on" the flirting.
I asked him if he flirts in front of his woman. He said "of course not," that "that would be rude."
After much additional conversation, he said that he should "not have to explain himself," (I think that was in response to me saying that if my guy thought that flirting was okay, I would want him to flirt in front of me, instead of having a different set of "okay" behavior when I'm around) that if his behavior matches what he has said about himself, that should be enough.
I don't think that it is "explaining" - it's being willing to be in full disclosure with your partner. Having a separate set of behavior when your partner is around allows things to happen - what starts as an innocent flirtation becomes a friend at work, becomes someone to talk to as my partner and I work through the next rough period in our relationship - and then there's the potential for a late night, a big fight, a couple of drinks, and the unpleasant but all too familiar phrase "it just happened."
There is no chance that I could ever just happen to do anything - I know it, and my guy knows it, because anytime I am attracted to another man, my sweetheart knows about it. The same thing is true from him to me. Both men and women respond to this idea with lots of speculation. But I believe that most men think like the young man I was talking to, that there is some level of engagement with other women that is acceptable, even if you are married, you just aren't supposed to do it around your woman; most women say "he better not tell me he's interested in someone else!" - so they seem to be in agreement.
But if this idea of "separate but faithful" worked, you wouldn't have so much extra-curricular activity going on in everybody's relationships. I close the door firmly on any possible affairs by talking about them before they even become a viable possibility - while the man in question is just attractive or handsome or sexy to me - I couldn't possibly take any steps down an extra-curricular path except by conscious decision, and additional disclosure to my guy - "This guy that I told you I'm attracted to, I'm going to start going to lunch with him, because I like talking to him. Now, nothing is going to happen, I just like him as a friend."
I know lots of you are saying that I'm crazy, and that this is b.s., but here's the challenge. Try it. Maybe not with your partner, but only with yourself. Write down those people that you meet and are attracted to when you first meet them, and keep track of where the relationships go. See if you don't look up in 6 months, or 6 years, having to make some decisions about how far things should go. Ask yourelf when it becomes awkward but necessary to talk to your partner about this person, is it more or less awkward than it would have been if you had told them about the attraction from the beginning?
'Nuff said.
Posted by Q
at 11:11 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, 7 April 2004 11:21 PM CDT
